The power of Words; opinions, feelings, or musings

last updated 7 weeks ago

seven weeks later and the inner panic is causing me distress.  I feel chilled out at once and yet frustrated at myself for my lack of inner definition. I cannot fight this because these changes almost seem instinctual - or primal.  I feel like I do things like a vehicle, I am being driven to some end - of which I cannot see coming or understand.  What  I wanted, what I want or what I imagine as a prospect of enjoyment seems to be a dreamscape in this mission my body takes me on.  I've become hungrier, literally, I'm actually eating more with a proper appetite for the first time in years. Probably something like 4 years.

I need to get to sleep. let me sleep dammit.  I have to wake up early so i can finish my school work and phone people.  I need to be a busy body. I type this and a revolt inside me came to light. my body turns and wrenches and aches from this discomfort of conforming to this agenda of school work I really feel no need to accomplish. It's like I felt in high school.  Doing assignments and write ups and working extra hard to accomplish things that only exhibit parts of my intelligence that are just.. well, there.  I have this ability, and for some reason it needs to presented through a long drawn out careful examination through tedious and an extraneous working out of my mind which is supposed to show how I've learned? what the hell.  How about forcing and doing real things, why must we be tested and tested and tested and tested? I'm 21 years old and 'young' in school.  I look around at my mates and see a lot of older students, people who wish to better their list of forms, forms that represent who they are to society and how they measure up in the eyes of some kind of intellectual or knowledge or practice based worth.  Some shit farmer's ideal.

I study and I study, I read the ideas of dead or sometimes alive theorists. I do it because I thought I could learn answers or learn how to better understand the world we live in.  Philosophy appears to be this illusive thing that makes us wonder so much we feel special.  I thought- oo! I want to be part of that! right. so off I go, and i read and i study. and the more I read and study and work, the more I realize that everyone is either saying the same things, or they're saying shit that is just wrong.  And then! aha! ooo! they tell you, yes. no one is right, no one is origonal, no one has this magical ability to solve things.  AND yes! it has been a waste of time really, because yes you can do it yourself!  Go ahead! and hey, extra credit if you create language from you ideas and concepts! ahaha, learn german too cause hell we all know it'll help somehow.

Dont call me a Nihilist, but i feel like there is nothing worth mentioning about thinking really hard about shit.  Except.. maybe that it hurts and makes you feel either brilliant or fucking depressed.

So now, now I sit with these thoughts, this understanding of my environment, this ability to recognize both the ugliness of the system - academia, and social labour industry and the like - and the conundrum it puts me in, in having to conform to some sort of practical dependancy.  Someone might call it a dependancy on Civilization in a world of autonomous egoistic existence. someone being me? I dont even think I can get credit for that cause it's probably something Ive read or something someone has already thought up without my interpretation.

FUCKING HELL... look at what school has done, it's making me use big fucking words. big ugly words. I can't speak natural base english anymore without throwing in words that I dont think can be fully understood because they are used so infrequently.



Ever get that feeling? when you forget for a moment that you arent the only person, and it seems like things work out for everyone else just fine. or like everyone else seems to understand what they want from life and they all will be fine as far as you can tell and yet, for some reason your life is special in that it is corrupted by this horrible struggle that you cannot find in anyone else?


So I'm thinking about work, school, creating something.  And it occurs to me that there's this horrible grip that big corporations have on everything.  I feel like.. heck. If I wanted to open a shop - it would take money, lots of money or capital that I dont have because I dont own anything.   Or lets say I wanted to create a webpage and I went across the internet and clipped and grabbed code or pictures, is that stealing? sure! so does that make my webpage unique or sellable? I dont know, but I feel like there's someone out there that would take notice and give me a hard time if clipped something of theirs (if the page became popular enough to become sellable, profitable).  Everything must be from scratch so it seems..
I also feel like if I was to start a radio station it would be so horrendously controlled and heavily pre-configured.  Releasing airwaves into the air is a picture in my head i dream as being so free.  Shouldnt I be free to scream? free to send my radio waves into the public at no charge and at no cost?  but no. it depends. it depends on what is broadcast!

You don't own that song! you may have purchased it, sure, but you dont own the 'rights' to it! sooo you kinda dont own the right to let other people listen to what you purchased! aha! pay me more money for that song you purchased, because buying wasnt enough.

When did we create these ideas? these concepts? how do these concepts hold weight?! the right to ownership of anything and everything creates money! it is more commodity! it is more capital! aha! turning labour into anything and anything into something ownable, something sellable, something buyable and something that therefore increases the economic worth of a system. aha!

After learning some basic economics about the bubble bursting in the housing industry, it shocked me to understand that people had created a system of buying and selling future predictions on interest rates for the mortgages on the value of property in dollar values.  THINK OF ALL THE ABSTRACT SHIT THAT GOES ON THERE! dollar value, interest on mortgages, future predictions, sold now for more money.  It amazes me that people were able to sell interest.
it is so stupid. i dont care if it worked out fine. it is just too much.

This is the horror of capitalism really. money for money for money to create more money.

and with all this fictitious money coming and going it makes me think, if my labour is real and is easily transfered into cash - then i should be able to make money simple enough, right? i wish it was simple.

ive done it today. tonight.

ive achieved that depressed feeling again. i found my way back, i brought my map and now i need to do some searching. good luck graeme.

I feel slightly broken.  More like, I feel gross. Probably because I haven't slept properly.
I went to bed last night at 6am, falling asleep at around 730am just to wake up about a million times from 8am till 910am.  Then I jumped up, dressed and biked to work in the freezing cold air ready to be late for opening the store.  It was alright, it always is... i opened on time and had lots of time to do dick all but stare at old customers jabber on and on about their life and how enriched it isn't.

I got home -oo! Coast to Coast! - I got home at like 130? whatever, i felt fucking tired and collapsed on the couch.  Before sleeping i had phoned Robyn.  She woke me up twice to talk about getting together.  I finally got up at 730.  We went to demetres and i had cake and coffee. lots of coffee.

Now i feel like shit.

When i was asleep my parents were house shopping online.  they've decided that Eglington is a nice street or area and will plan on living there.  I have chosen to stay with my dad currently because he wants to live near the subway and so do i.  also my mom will take the animals.

The more I write the less crazy i feel and the more relaxed i become... this is so therapudic.  *pause* I feel so fucking bizzare about my life right now.  This strike at york has me in a bit of an uneasy feeling.

Yinxia and Craig are going out again and I really feel detached.  Mimi... I feel closer to her now, but she'll be with Dave more and more and I'm just gunna assume she'll spend her time with him.  Cam... well, his word is never good, he says he wants to get together and we never do, when we do its not the same - hes always on the phone long distance with his girlfriend.  The worst part is I'm happy for him and our relationship no longer concerns me.  It SUCKS that I feel like there's a bit of a hole in me now though.
Teresa... I saw her the other day. it was good, but we cant seem to get rid of our old habits.

Katherine entered my life a bit recently.  we talked for a few days every night in a row and it was half frightening and half enlightening.  Overall I figure it was good, she says she's changed and I'm glad she feels like that and can recognize her faults from who I knew her to be in the past... but she still has regrets and is a little disconcerting in many respects.  We talked about our past and cleared the air a lot, and now I feel a lot better - she revealed how vain she is and how detached from reality she was to the point where her demands and expectations were so unreal that i simply realized how much it didn't matter.  I cannot provide as much as she wanted and its nice to know that.
Still.  there's this weird soft spot I have for her... she is amazing in some ways.

Joel and Mike are as a cool as ever.

Tonight with Robyn we talked a bit about how surprised a guy like me went for a girl like Teresa, we're so different she expected me to go for someone more like Tiffany.  Funny thing that.  Now i can't help but think about Tiffany.  I remember immediately liking her, she's definately physically attractive and has a personality that is so.... different and mysterious.. its driving me a little nuts.  damn its late.  i was going to make some kind of contact with Tiffany tonight when I got home, because I couldnt get her out of my mind, albeit I only really have vague memories of what she was like that one time i met her a year ago... ha.  In anycase I see no need to do anything while I'm as tired as I am - I always make stupid decisions when I'm tired, or amazing ones.  Seem to lose my inhibitions when I'm a little loopy from lack of sleep (why drink beer when you can just not go to sleep!).

fuckign s-dfja;fogn

I wish I didnt have bad dreams, or vivid dreams.
I wish I wasn't so upset about mom and dad. why can't it be alright like it was when I was little.  Why can't life just be kind to me like it was when I was little.  I miss kindergarten and grade 2 and biking around in the summer time.  Going to Beckers and spending my $1.50 allowance on candies. Nerds. bubblicious. bubble tape. Going to the cottage and not knowing what to do with a long summers day. I wish i could be friends with my brothers and cousins all over again, and we could just play around in the sand in the water in the yard.

Priorties

Objects of desire that guide our decisions based on a heirarchical order of terms dependant on how we wish to act based on our previous decisions, experience and 'innate nature'.

1. objects
2. desire
3. decisions
4 .heirarchical order of terms
5. wish to act
6. decisions experience 'innate nature


1. The term object in this case refers to any system or mode of thought or substance of reality (ie: a person, an idea)
2. A desire is the positive force which pushes one to act upon something
3. A decision is choice one makes to determine actions or thoughts that will determine a change in something
4.

Reawaken the grace in you
it follows a wild and racing path
straying wherever it wants

find the child inside who accepts
all the innocense of the naivety
that we never actually lost

open up and accept
find that you can love
and just do it, it helps

take it in stride and shy away
from over indulgence and pride
learn to know that you can wait

tomorrow will come
so dont stress out
life has no goal-just opportunity

so find balance through inner
strength, virtue, happiness
and make the most of what you have

2 years complete.
60 credits later and I'm still a little lost.

Complacent, but you know, lacking. Feeling a little reluctant. Honesty honesty... sigh why do you demand on me... OK.

No pleasure, no love, no fun, only shy smiles and childish jokes. Good times? sure, fun times? sure, do i look forward to seeing? yea i do.  The problem is the lackluster...  There's also all that disappointment. Uhg, it's making me uncomfortable as I type.  I'm digging into a jar of cookies... but they're all shortbread cookies.  I dont like them.  Im eating and eating and it's slowly making me sick.  I really have to get my hand in another jar.

I wish my dreams would stop bothering me, stop telling me what i really want and stop making it crystal clear that I've lost my self control in such a mediocure situation.  I have no concern, and barely any guilt - but I can't get out of it! damn me, damn me, damn me.  I can't even complain to friends anymore, they're all too tired of hearing my broken record problems... poofa--- ok. time to set this straight. only a couple days till the end of the week. only a couple days till i know for the record.

Cant wait for the journey out west.  It should be really fun.  onl 25 days left.

I was watching some TED videos (if you don't know what I'm talking about you should really give it a look) and one struck an inspirering and almost frightful chord in me as it spoke about the future of humanity.  The speaker started by talking about the history of humanity and civilization and how we came to be through the expansion of communication and cooperation.  He basically came to discussing game theory and then how the future will look, and where we are now.  Very interesting stuff check it out here.

What really got me, was when he very briefly mentioned how we will becoming walking computers.  Lets face it, it's only a matter of time until the blue tooth device for your ear becomes the size of a dime, the cell phone becomes the new laptop and we start communitcating like the borg.  THE BORG.  How efficient would that be?

Think about  wikipedia for a second.  It's all free, done by volunteers, pretty much based on pure altruism for the better of humanity.  AND IT WORKS.  Look at what's it's become in two years, and what has been inspired through the wiki technology due to open source.  AMAZING STUFF!  now... think 30, 50 years from now - what then?  imagine everyone has a computer on them at all times, and you can just check or look something up and get verification immediately via a web of other people who are also connected to you.  Information would no longer be something needed to be sought out and organized by one person slowly, it would be a given - you want to know it - it will be known.  Someone discovers something - it will be debated, translated, analyzed, and known - immediately!  IMAGINE THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE IS WORLD CLASS.

What would happen to the economic structure?  can you imagine how well informed politicians would be?  Proper democracy would exist, crime would be seriously cut down.  Can you imagine how the herd mentality would change?  I CANT! but i'll think on it. wooo!  Can you imagine being able to stay up to date with global news at the touch of a finger and have it fed into your ear in a pinch?  Maybe I'm dreaming and getting ahead of myself, but it was less than a hundred years ago that horses were pulling carriages on the streets of Toronto - and look at us now.

LOOK AT US NOW!  If you feel down, and like there's no point in life - just stick around to watch what happens, cause it's getting amazing.  Just think about cell phones, can you imagine living without one? (if you say yes, i condemn you a loner! aha!)  Can you imagine living without the internet?  They're fairly fucking new, and they only make communication and the spread of ideas and intelligence easier.  The flood gates are opening and soon technology will boost like crazy.  I wonder if languages will die.. probably!

Somehow my weekend was salvaged, I may have worked 22 hours over the 3 day days past, but I managed to go out twice and talk with most all my closest friends at least once each.  I also spoke to my brother in Seattle, he makes me proud - and i dont think i agree with myself all that well in feeling that, but alas it is nothing but a good feeling that i will not overanalyze lest my cynicism repronounces itself.

There are a few people with whom i spoke to about actual events that hold more relavent or practical prominence in my life, but they can wait I want to talk about a brief conversation i had with Yinxia, mostly because our conversation was cut short and she provoked in me a desire to indulge in my philosophy on life.

It was a bit of an inquiery on life, but mostly (initially at least) on the fear of death, and overcoming it.  We spoke a bit about the size of the universe and our lives in comparison, but I was more interested in firguring out what steps, or what needs to be looked into in order to understand death and finding comfort in it, or being content with the idea of an end of life.  It's a question of understanding one's existence and the significance it has in the many realms of how we look at the world and experience the world.  I think understanding the phsyical nature of the universe as being extremely large, infinite and forever on going is jut one of the things we must consider, for our lives are finite and we must accept that, but how?

I think the method that works best, or so far as i can determine, is by taking a deep appreciation for all of the different faculties that comes with life, existence, being.  Experience in the social realm of life is something that needs to be understood and respected insofar as it is important.  Another aspect of life that needs to be regarded is the role that culture/society takes in one's life, realizing the bounds of it and what limits and influences it has is essential to becoming self aware and content with your position in the schema of society.  The last aspect that think is relavent is probably the most essential, introspection. 

Looking into one's own life and seeing who and what makes you tick is the best way of comming to terms with anything you have to deal with in life, even death.  If you know or understand what type of person you are, then you will succeed at overcoming any fears you have altogether.  In looking into oneself, you must learn to like yourself - dont do anything that you find disrespectful or immoral.  Attain a high self esteem, and improve on life by living healthy, living healthy includes not only physical aspects but also mental and emotional ones.  This greater understanding comes easiest with the help of others, which inturn is helped by understanding the other aspects that i mentioned.

Understand the material world we live in
Understand your society
Understand your friends
Understand yourself

It is a path of understanding the rudimentary, and fundemental or more so objective aspects of life that we first must get to know in order to fully grasp the most subjective aspects of our lives and the glory of our being.  From my experience however, all that I learn about my friends and myself changes like clockwork and therefore is an on going process that necessariy requires ongoing attention.  Society is also maluable, but once caught up with history - keeping up with current events is all that is required, and as for the scientific factual evidence that is understood, just a basic understanding of what is possible and what simply IS, is what is needed to be known.

I am diabolical.  I felt alturistic almost a year ago when helping a friend.  Or so i would have myself believe.  I also left out key information that I was actually seeking to let things purposely change! I slapped myself from the past to now!
Gosh... rereading notes written to my future self is bizarre.
----

I used to post all my thoughts, or rather most of the thoughts that had any relative value to my philosophy on life, but nowadays I tend to keep them to myself or write in a journal.  I stumbled on something that was fairly similar to my previous post on happiness (which I might add is proving to be hard to keep to).  I think it's a positive list of things to keep in mind, and if I lose the journal then i know it's here.

-->Learn to love and appreciate yourself
-->respect and admire yourself
-->know yourself in all capacities
-->suprise/scare yourself
-->do not take it [everything/anything] so seriously
    -->less stess = more joy
-->know your limits and work on them
-->follow your own rules
-->you will change. Take care of yourself and know that it is in your power.
-->be self aware
-->life is short - live it well


I think that last one is the one that hits me everytime.  I never want to forget that life may seem like it will last for at least another 40 years, but you never know when your last day will come.  Don't put it off.  If anything is important it's your social life, if you can make great friends, find a fantastic lover, and know the joys true friendship - getting rich for that retirement that may never come might just be the biggest waste of a human life.

I always pride myself on having a strong will power.  Being able to have great restrain in particularily tempting situations is something I love to challenge myself with.  In realizing a more recent mode of life regarding happiness and sadness, i've noticed I have subsiquently been restrainging from indulging in certain things.  I look at myself and instead of taking those pleasures found in everyday temptations, i take out the bad and negative and magnify it until I find no desire.  My life is sometimes dominated by this mindset - and it needs to change.  So here I am attempting to change things for the better, again, and hopefully I have stumbled upon the unifying crux in my personality.

It's time to will myself into happiness, I have found the route all i need to do now is follow the path.  Lets see where it leads.  Cheer's to finding joy in simple pleasures, finding joy in simple pains, finiding joy in plain existance and being intimidated by nothing!  Humility and respect for everything as being equal is the essential keystone here, time to follow that model.

Im not sure if i'm making sense, hopefully it'll all work out anyway.

Everything has a good side to it, if all the coins face down - flip em up even if it doesnt seem right.
Alright Joel, here I come.

What I am for as long as wanted to post, I could go on for hours


Lets be honest with ourselves ok?
i think that must be the or perhaps just one of the fundemental 'Virtues' I believe in.


I am body language neurotic.

I definately lean towards to masochism

I loath and have a low tolerance for incompetence

I am a generally pleasent person

I listen well

I'm nice to you even if I don't particularily like you

I yell at you when you test my patience or do something so irksome that it requires pain to be inflicted
---I do not enjoy hurting people's feelings, I enjoy watching them learn, the yelling is usually my fault and unnecessary.
---When I say 'yell' that encompasses me usually using a full analysis of your weaknesses against your self confidence relevant to situation.

I'm an egotist

I'm smarter than you, most likely

I hate being as smart as I am, because of it I try to understand everything there is to the pain that it inflicts on me, which in a twist of fate makes me sad.  I've discovered this is a masochistic characteristic of who I am, I enjoy learning so much that it makes me sad.
---If you don't understand why intelligence often means pain (depression) then you hopefully have nothing to worry about
---I do not recommend opening this can of beans (a look into what makes you who you are truely) if you have a low tolerance for emotional pain

I don't hide secrets of my own, I cannot carry a feeling or thought of my own without telling someone, anyone about it.

I'm a critical, analytical, observant, overly aware ignoramus

I have trouble spelling, I was unable to read novels until i reached grade 6
I'm also gifted, which puzzles me sometimes, but sometimes-most of the time it is a meaningless lable
---I will never be able to do crossword puzzles without a dictionary because of the trouble I have with spelling

I know more questions than answers, and if you think about it so do you. I you disagree you haven't thought hard enough

I am mature for my age

I am white, male, and sometimes it gets me nothing but shortcomings. My teachers would disagree because I go to York

I'm just like you, I'm also a very different human being

I am physically attractive and i think knowing that hasn't helped my peace of mind, but I'm sure I take it for granted
I also take care of myself physically although I am underweight (secretly I like being underweight)

I have (mostly) no desire to share my body with anyone, because I'm vain, because i need to submit and dominate and I dont spend my time finding someone who is worth it.

All of my bad qualities are hard to see if I like you and we're aquaintances.
I do not know my good qualities, i do not know good qualities

I am cynical and pessimistic.
---most people wont appreciate the specific differences

The more optimistic I become, the less I like myself.

If you make me smile then please be my friend, it's hard to makes me smile genuinely.

As I make this list, I am overly aware of how sad this makes sound 'inside'. I am not a tortured soul, just a scarred one.
---I suppose I'm also paranoid of what this list adds up to

I believe in love, I also believe it isn't the answer to life but makes life more exciting.  I don't know if I'm ready for it or want it right now.

Change is something that happens. I will change, I have changed, change is under my control when i want to be.

I have a lot of willpower

I am emotionally and mentally strong
This is why when i venture to the fringes of sanity I come back alive. So far I've only taken one such extended vacation to senselessness

Philosophy and madness are similar, that's something I learned and believe - I also love Philosophy
---you do too, you just may not go to school for it which may mean your interpretations may come out misguided or not thoughtout. maybe...heh

I have trouble sleeping

I have a fear of dreaming
If I respect you to the point of reverence, i have been to your funeral in my mind. I did not enjoy it, I probably wont tell you about it either.

My true passion lies in getting to know people

Typical values of good and bad are things that I practice uncontrollably but do not appreciate consciously

I am not religious
---this is a list of what I am (not what i am not) - but because most of the world is religious, it's appropriate
I go by the lable of being a non-theist, humanist

I find myself having more respect for mentally challenged people than most everyone who's 'normal'
---I would call 'normal' a case of being fundementally socially indoctrinated, and the precise reason I have a problem with it

This means that I have a problem with tolerating people.  I would call my scope large but often greatly tested.

I am judgemental, obviously.

I believe that there are two sides to the world we live: the subjective and the objective.  People mix these up or don't realize there are two.
Subjectively everything about a person matters, objectively only his or her actions matter.  I try to follow this philosophy of reason.
---what you think is meaningless to me, what you can offer to me is what I give merit to.

I think this list is long enough.

I stay awake too late. I'm at the point right now where it's 515am and i can't go to sleep - this time it's because i know my brother's awake!  Who knew being the last to sleep all the time would instill in me a need to be the last to sleep.

 MURRAY!

An old friend told me once, 'you're not the same. you've changed.' I felt bad, but at the same time i was surprised and didn't know what to say - people change right?

Another friend recently told me I spread myself thin, I spend my time with people who have fairly different personalities and interests.  It makes me act different around different people, and like an even different friend put it - i become a 'chameleon'.  This makes me wonder.. well, if i act like a different person around different people, who's the real me? How would I act if i was given the chance to act as I really want.  There was a time when I held no reservations and said and acted without caring about anything anyone else thought of me, but it wasn't a good thing.  I wasn't pleasent and I wasn't acting very sane.  I was only being myself, I wasn't refraining to say anything, I wasn't censoring myself, and I was really quite enjoying myself.

If I can't be who I want to be, who I really want to be, around anyone of my friends, um. well wtf?  Now... Am I taking this too seriously, or is this an accuracte portrayal of an interesting dilemma, I feel like I don't really know all that many people who hold characteristics that i appreciate to their fullest, and for the most part i tend to follow the people who's interests are most similar to mine.  We all have to make comprimises when wining and dining but should I be spreading myself thin in order to fulfill all those inner desires I have?  I have friends who I get drunk and party hard with, I have friends with whom I can share a very intellectual conversation with, I have friends who will just sit back and joke around while we play board games or video games, it's a rainbow or people - each with different interests.  Would it be healthier to have one friend with whom I could share many experiences with, with whom I could give a respected opinion to with whom I could just let go around and feel completely fine with?

I feel like I've barely changed.  I think my old friend recognized how I was acting different yes, but I never felt any different.  I feel like I was mostly just focusing my time around people with different interests.  Im cold and I feel really alone all of the sudden.  I wish I could appreciate the time I spend all by myself and enjoy my own company enough.  I need friends, i want a girlfriend, i also can't bring myself to take the step forward and put my self out there.  I don't know what I want in a relationship - i just feel like I need someone with whom I can spend time with, with whom I can use as an escape, with whom I can give things to, with whom I can please and be pleased by... I need someone with whom I need to commit to. But at the same time, I suppose I'm not even sure I want it - maybe I need what I don't want.  Jesus it's cold in here.  I have to wake up in 4 hours, maybe I should just stay up till the sun comes up. maybe not.

While I'm here, I may as well learn something to enjoy my stay.  People are facinating. I know it's been said, but i'll reiterate to emphasize; people can be terrible, people can be horrific, people can be beautiful, people can be stupendous, people are people - we are different and yet so much the same.

    Looking at people often gets me all raggled up in myself.  I either approach them with a sense of curiosty, a sense that is beyond my own emotional vestments and can treat people like complete foreigners to my "in-being". OR i can approach them whole heartedly with complete empathy and complete sensativity to being sympthetic in the most Romantic meaning of the term.
    There are these two tensions that create interest into how i see people.  I can't often block out emotions altogether, no one can.  No matter how cold hearted you sound or act, unless you're a complete psychopath, you only supress your emotions and they will and do come back to haunt you.  Probably a lot of the reason I have a hard time with life is because I never seem to recognize how much emotion I block out, and it all comes hurtling out in some kind of explosion.
    Insofar as the emotional attachment side of me counts, when i take a look at someone or when i approach them as a friendly compadre, the shut down of emotion (the stepping outside myself and declassifying what 'matters' of the situation in terms of my emotional attachment) is mostly just a coping mechanism.

    When I'm doing good and am content with life, these come easy and are up to me to decide.  When life is hard, usually it means my emotions are coming down like hailstones and the weight of humanity's issues crushes my heart with every beat... which translates into irrationally powerful emotions that make me feel helpless.
    What I want to get into is this cold treatment of peope for whom i deem 'care' not really a question.  Judgment means nothing, it is almost like an experiment in social relations.  Being friendly is part of the game, similar to a waiter/waitress being friendly in order to get a fat tip, being friendly to complete strangers can mean interesting results.  Generally this only happens if the person holds special or unique qualities.  Something like being abnormally intelligent/clever, or having an extremely peculiar upbringing devoid of love or proper care resulting in a dry sense of humanity.  If you've just read that last sentence and think, so Graeme thinks I'm some kind of experiment does he.... that's not nice! Don't.  It means nothing really, I'm not a robot and for the most part am friendly and perfectly amiable to those who I meet-which as far as ANYONE can tell is how you judge your friendships, loves and aquiantences.

    I set an experiment with body language loose a while back, and only as of the past few months am i getting results returned.  Mostly via Joel actually, but not exclusively - he mainly reminded me (without knowing it mind you).  A while back, 4th year of highschool, I attached a horribly meloncholy mask of expression to my face to show my inner contempt for how i felt at the time.  I soon realized that it had an incrediably great power over people in terms of how they approached me - most notably people only approached me if they had confidence enough. (A year later i would discover that smiling at everyone you see has the opposite affect). Well this experiment lasted a while due to my depression and became somewhat of a fallback and then later my 'usual face'.  This makes people actually think i dont like them, people with whom i have never spoken to!  The power of body language and facial expression is amazing.  Of course, with this getting out of hand and me making every girl i meet think i dont like them.... i didnt meet many girls - so things have had to change since then.  But yes! the amount of power you have in a look is astounding.

That much said, the amount of emotional persuation you can create in a person can be done with a simple facial expression.  Add a few words of positive encouragement or negative, or whatever you want, and (if the connection is strong enough) you can shake someone into having a horrible day, or cheer them out of one.

Now, I'm not sure at how it works exactly, because I know there are only... well, there are only 2 people i can think of who could change how i feel with a simple facial expression -- although that is partially due to the fact that i have incredible amounts of self esteem and am fairly conscious of this whole idea.  BUT! what does it mean for other people? Does this rely on respect, or what is deemed desirable, or both?  What is Good for a person?  I certainly would love to play this out, and test those who can affect me.

Note to future self: Who affects you now? The only one I can think of currently is the girl with the amazing eyes.

The previous post was something that was saved to draft, I think it was written at 5am and i didnt trust myself enough to push the 'POST' button. But hey, there it is!

On to this post.

Concern.  the biggest concern I'm having right now is the issue with the opposite sex and no... it's not finding the courage to say hey! or to go way out of my way to spend time with a potential girlfriend or date or whatever.. it's just the whole issue of finding someone who I find attractive, someone whom I would not necessarily deem 'worthy' of my time, but someone who I would just want to spend time with.  I know inside of me that I'm beginning to ache from all this time spent alone with myself, I have a feeling that it was yinxia who provided an outlet over the summer, and previous to her it was probably mimi.  I dont talk to them the way i used to, i dont want to have a female friend the way i did in the past.  But i did enjoy their company, I did enjoy the support they offered, and as much as I love Cam [he's been my best friend for a while] he's a guy, and there are certian things he cant provide.  I mean OTHER than the obvious fact that he's a guy and I'm sexually attracted to women, beyond that... there are limits to his mode of thinking which comes out being all too similar to mine.  Probably because i'm a guy as well.

I suppose what i'm saying is that I am just like the rest of you.  I want to find someone to love.  This is a hurdle that isn't as hard as other things i've had to do.... but it's just so god damn different - i've been able to work things out on my own before.  You can't conquer a growing sense of loneliness on your own, and if you think you have i'm pretty sure you're just bullshiting it.  I mean... think of the absurdity of hearing someone say "I've cured my loneliness all by my lonesome!".  I'd immediately assume one of two things, denial or stupidity(confusion).

But yea, seriously.  I look around at York, and all I see are pretty girls.  Should be easy right?  How come none of them are interesting, or if they are.. they're in a relationship. phooey.  Now i sound like i'm whining. Ok, no. I'm definately whining, what i sound like is a girl stuck in the middle of a chickflick storyline.  So i'm going to stop complaining about not being able to find the right girl. (at least im not saying all the good girls are either taken or gay. cause they arent. they're just hiding.)

--

ok i lied, im gunna continue ranting... im gunna call it ranting instead of complaining because well.. i think that it works better that way.

I think I'm frustrated because of things that are happening in my personal life.  OK, first off - there are three girls who are in my minds eye currently. 
The first one is beautiful beyond belief, and for whatever reason i cant get over myself and i dont think she's out of my league.  Basically, i think im hot stuff too (not as much but enough).  The problem is that no matter how many times i talk to her about setting something up or getting something going, all she does is agree with a genial and soft smile.  and then i wait. and wait.  and there's nothing but silence.  I try again, and again and again and nothing.  Either she responds with positive affirmation giving me hope and reassurance and then never gets back to me (or lets me get back to her) OR she just ignores me completely.  SO OK, i'll take the hint and consider her something to put on the back burner because clearly she has more important things to deal with (in fact, she does.. im just selfish and want her attention).
The second one is awesome.  I would really love to have a relationship with her, but there isn't much of a chance for two good reasons.  She's significantly older (which isnt a problem for me i dont think, but might be for her) and she's currently in a relationship. soooo yea. attractive, very intelligent (yeayea!) but taken.
The third one is well.. hm.  Im not really sure if it makes sense to say she's in my mind's eye or if i'm on hers... I think she likes me and wants me for more than my brain.... but yea. anyway, lemme elaborate.  She's older, but not as intelligent or maybe just not as interesting or educated as i would like.  she just doesnt do anything for me.  She's as attractive as the second one, but just kinda.. plain.  She just doesn't titilate me.  The only reason I put her here is because she made some serious moves and suggestions that she's interested (i think).  I feel obligated to at least try, considering how i'm suffering love pangs.

So yea.  Three people who keep my mind occupied, but none with a happy ending as of yet.  So I think to myself, is this some kind of cruel game? am i seeking someone too specific, should i lower my standards?  and while i'm taking these questions very seriously something happens - my self esteem drops, my ego shrinks.  Graeme doesn't like that.  So through deep thought and attempting to find resolve I remember what it is that pushes me to seek out women such as i do.  I think it's because i get complimented all too often.  OR i take the compliments i get too seriously.  OR maybe I'm seriously deluded and when someone tells me i come on strong/creepy/crudely or am ugly/unkempt/smelly i turn it into something wholly different and positive.  I have been told repeatedly that I should put myself out there because I'm 'a great catch', 'a cute, friendly and mature guy', 'someone who i wish i would have met when i was your age' (things ive been told from girls ive met when asking about my problem).

Sigh... I dont know anymore.  All i know is that it's giving me strange amounts of stress, and i'm getting strange urges to have a one night stand with an ugly chick, get drunk and smoke a cigarette or two. or maybe a pack.

Just a little inspired by a friend named jester.

I had a thought, I had a few thoughts actually, but one in particular last night.  Of course, being the morose person i am at times - it'll be a miserable topic.  But hopefully those of you who could care less have been weeded out by my annoyingly dry prose by now.  It's about suicide.

Having read the story 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' for a class a week or two ago, I returned to the attic of my brain where i store old painful memories, and old painful ideas.  Suicide.  I dealt with suicide myself, don't know about you, but it wasn't easy - i'm grateful I was able to keep myself alive, I am fortunate that I have more support than I ever give credit.  I feel however that the idea of suicide appealed to me as a solution because it is an idea that does not frighten me.

Most people have had to be frightened over the ages from the thought of death.  if it wasn't for the fear of the nether world in the so called afterlife, people would be offing themselves whenever the moment suited them.  No painful afterlife, no need to sustain an extremely painful living life.  With the fall of religion, and it's grappling hold on our moral consciousness, ideas like suicide have become more prominent.  Being a martyr nowadays buys you a small column in only the most specialized of news papers.  It has become socially acceptable, socially passable to commit suicide.  Personally, I believe that full respect should be given to those who fully consider it, and go through with it, but I do maintain there is perhaps a solution to the epidemic it holds at its core.  now now, you're probably thinking, why the hell is Graeme so damn concerned with suicide -- shouldn't he be more concerned with the crime rate based on murder/homicide?  I do go to york, it is a valid point.  But did you know there are annually 10 times as many suicides in Canada than homicides? hmmmm? How many times have you heard about a local suicide in the newspaper?

Well yea.  I think an idea for making suicide less appealing would be actively change the sense of morality in society by endorsing suicide as being immoral.  It is a personal choice that affects everyone you love, everyone who loves you, everyone you like and work with and along side.  It affects people you don't even know.  So much like a lot of our decisions it is, yes, a personal decision - but it has huge social consequences.  It is the dishonour I would have done to my friends and family that kept me from commiting act.  We need to vocalize the issue, and make sure people know how we would feel if they were to lose a friend to a premature death.  Life is tough enough as it is, the issue of death to suicide makes it hurt that much more.

If you're considering it, make sure you let someone know.  Don't ever forget the people who love you, if you feel alone - you're not.  Believe me, I've been there.  It's a depressingly lonely place, and the idea is closer, and easier than that phonecall that could save your life.  But never give into it, always make sure you tell your friends and family how you feel about them, how special they make you feel and what you are grateful for in them, avoid getting nasty and negative.

If you're approached by it don't fret, but don't take it lightly - ever.  Comfort and consideration are necessary.

Do not forget what Janet taught you Graeme.
People are important. Get to know your friends,  you really don't know when they'll be gone.  That includes your family too jackass.
Music is music, there are different purposes for it, if it makes you shake your ass around it's good music - maybe not music to your ears, but music to your ass.  Dance my friend, dance.

Wake up tomorrow without a care for all the formalities.  Don't throw away your life, but really hang on to what's important.  People are important, you are important.  If you ever feel guilty about something, if you ever feel ashamed you will only get over it if you can forgive yourself.  If a friend embarrasses you, you feel bad for being associated and you'll have to forgive yourself a little to get on with your life.  Just remember how much power you have.

--

Love is important, but realize the drawbacks that come with the absense felt from it.  Or being close but not actualized.  Don't be afraid of it graeme, but just be careful - don't hurt yourself.  I think that's what you needed to hear.

Probably only writing this because it's so late. Or rather because i haven't had nearly enough sleep.
This is mostly a chronological log of what i've done in the past few weeks.

Since school started, ive come to learn that i have no free time, and when i think i do - there are so many things to fill it with.  The weekdays are filled with school, reading/studying, and work. The weekends are even more busy, mostly because I work during the day, and then go out with friends during the night and have often stayed out into the morning.

Went out with Sandra and her friends in the first week of school - met Jester, Sean, Mitch, Sanjeev, Ryan, Anne-Marie which was followed by the usual antics with Joel and Mike on the weekend.  The following week was much of the same as far as school and work is concerned.  But on thursday Kuldip came back to town, and since i had planned to go downtown clubbing for Sandra's birthday on the friday not to mention i was scheduled to work throughout fri-sat... this meant i could only see him on the thursday, which didn't end up being the case truly.  So thursday we (Joel, Mike, Kuldip and myself) planned to go to bubbletea and who do we run into? Leslie and Nixon!  Haven't seen Nixon since grade ten, which was nothing more than a passing hello, so we actually havent spoken since grade school which meant that the evening was full of laughs and grand stories.

The next day was the adventure with Sandra's friends and i met a few new people, Kevin, Daniel, Aaron, Polly, Villi & her boyfriend... i want to say his name is John/Matt?, as well as some other few of whom i dont recall their names, and the same friends from the previous venture and Leslie* came, because he's incredibly amazing-must be some kind of super human.  That was more of night than i'm prepared to explain here, long story short - GREAT FUCKING TIME, no "real" regrets, albeit im not sure if i'd do it the same given the choice/chance.
The following day i had work, and then in the night i was supposed to recover, but i saw Joel Mike and Kuldip again - because i love seeing people like that.

The weekdays following are much the same, and as the weekend is approaching there doesn't seem to be a solid plan of action as to what i'll be doing. I finally went out with Cam on Friday during the daytime, had work that evening and went out Friday..? I can't remember what i did friday night... what i DO rememeber is phoning Toria at 1:20am and asking her about doing something saturday, which we did.  Saturday after work Joel picked me up and we headed down to toria's place in NorthYork, only a few blocks away from where I live.  Had another Great day, hadn't seen Toria in an unfrgivable amount of time and it was really nice to talk to her in person for once; see how she is--Must make sure to never forget about Toria again--and all that jazz.  We met uptown with Mike and Cam which was nice.. until guitar hero 3.  I dont like that game.

So after the awesome weekend with toria and the gang, we reach this weekend.  Since Kuldip heard about how much fun i had going downtown clubbing, he asked if i wanted to go with Mimi, Andrew, James, and Canny.  Of course now knowing that getting drunk and dancing for a long ass time is actually really fun, i said of course!  So yesterday, i went shopping during the day with mimi canny and kuldip at The Eaton's Centre and then met up with Andrew and Kevin (Andrew's friend from residence who is living with Mimi, Dennis, James, Andrew and David (David=same deal as Kevin) currently) for dinner.  So after spending all night dancing my life away, eating chinese food late at night and playing cards till 6am i went to sleep around 7-730am.  came back home this morning in time to catch a few real Z's in my own bed and then head to work.  After work I went out and saw Mike and Ronald. And holy bejesus... there are still people on my list i need to see, but i dont know when i'll find the time.

The point to all this..? Well, basically i've had 3 very eventful weekends all in a row, each time with a different set of people.  Thanks to everyone who made the nights what they were, i wish i could do this forever. I fear my body would commit suicide however, good thing im young!

*Leslie's side story.  So the plan was that Leslie would join me for Sandra's birthday adventure downtown, keep in mind Leslie doesnt know these people at all (albeit this is only the second time i will be seeing Sandra's friends).  With things getting confused through the evening through a lack of communication we were put in a pickle, it was 9o'clock I was on York campus with everyone who was going clubbing and Leslie was at School still, the limo was going to leave at 10 and there was no way he'd make it.  He had to mission all the way home by bus, change into proper clothing, shower etc, and then by bus, mission all the way downtown by himself.  HE CAME THROUGH! and we finally met face to face at 1230am, about 3 and a half hours later. HIGH FUCKING FIVE LESLIEEEE.

I hate myself again for the first time in a long time... Of course it's a double sided coin, and it only makes sense in a certain context.  I hate things about myself really, mostly my ability to find contradictions between what i want.  Wanting to remain one way, while enjoying the benefits of another way of life.  The feelings of constriction aren't reassuring, and i want it all to just fall into my lap like in the movies - but i know that wont happen.  I'd love to get out there and meet new people, open my horizon to a whole new set of possiblities. 

I think i've placed too much of myself in a temperary few, and am feeling the effects of the change that the end of summer brings.  This is really just an ugly transition because i have a hard time maintaining strong bonds with people, or the strong bonds i make with people become a source of stability for me, and when i cannot count on someone - i get dissapointed and take it personally.  Time and time again a friend i placed wayyy too much of myself in let me down, today being the last time before she left for school and i dont know what i should feel.  Relief? no more let downs? Hell, the only reason im being let down is because i'm not seeing the person with whom i want to spend my time, whether ive been let down or not shouldn't make that much of a difference... but it does and it has been killing me as of late. Damn my unstable mind, conflictions... sigh.
I suppose this is something, someone i will just have to let go of. BUT FUCK, NO. i always do this....  and i need to not talk to anyone about this. i need to figure this out for myself.


EDIT
good job morrissey.  smooth out those achy breaky thoughts.

ok. I really have to never forget about the whole change thing. cause it seems to fall out of my head more often than i realize.

This is general advice that im gunna need to write down somewhere for myself, and being that i like to use this journal to spout my thoughts and whatnot I'll do it here.  I also tend to reread my old posts when im feeling like an asshole, or feeling like some kind of insignificant morsel that is somehow not worthy for whatever reason..... Right. so.

I've spoken about this before, but I think it's worth stating again.  Find yourself.  I tend to have to "find myself" every 3-6 months or so due to changes in my life style, habits, personality, interests, feelings or moods, mind set or anything else that affects how I live for and within myself.  The changes sometimes come on their own, without me conciously taking an active role in encouraging a varient, but thats not what I want to get at, because those changes can be very arbitrary or even unwanted.  It's the fact that we can change ourselves and do things that is the really important thing.

Had a discussion with a couple of friends the other day about racism.  Someone pointed out how he was losing patience with racist comments being used constantly (not directed to him, simply the act of derogatory racist terms being used around him).  And then an arguement ensued about whether or not it was something that is justified or tolerable, or how we should deal with it, etc...  A point came up that with older people, you can't make them stop because it's something they grew up with and was such a vivid part of their lives.  Racism to some is and was casual and commonplace.  This struck a chord with me, and i said that their really isn't any excuse for being racist - the intolerant should not be tolerated.  Just because you're old, doesnt mean you can mouth off arbitrarily.

Change is something that is constant, it is very possible and it is something you have to take responsability for.  You cannot blame you're ill or even meager behaviour on who you've always been, just because that's how you've always been.  Just because you've done things wrong for 20 years doesnt mean you have to continue.  You cannot blame the present on the past, shift your guilt of 'who you are' because of what you've been through.  None of that bullshit.  Learn from experience please, but do not use experience as an excuse for ignorance.

Working at the Beer Store has shown me a few things that i completely forgot when i worked at mcdonalds.  First off is that some people lead sad lives, people who never get a better job for example, also the 'regulars' or alcoholics.  Another thing is that seniority means nothing, people who have put in the time do not necessarily work harder and generally if you've been working a shitty job for a long time it's because you cannot will not do better.

All this stuff has been a very enlightening vision of how I can be more than I ever think I am.  Who 'I am' is nothing less than anything and everything in the world.  The same goes for everyone else.  The power to get off your ass and do something you've always thought signifcant is within your grasp.  If someone says you cannot, remind yourself that they're really saying you will not.  And you can judge whether or not you want to listen to them.  Whenever you tell yourself you cannot, remind yourself that you're really saying you will not and then again... judge whether you will listen or not.

Aspire to learn?  Then go to school.  Even if it means working your ass off.
Want to be a dancer, but think its too late? It isn't.  Now go dance.

All in all, just make sure you can tell yourself that nothing lasts forever, and you really do have the power to change your life for the better.  Just figure it out and make it happen.